maybe my head will explode.

im starting to enjoy long runs again.

and i have this craving to write.
in my head there is an ongoing narrative that seems to be part of my subconscious.
i dont really have control over it, it just comes up in the moments i choose to absorb my surroundings and just be.
i like the feeling and i want to get it out

ive realized that trying to completely cut yourself off from something you love is a bad idea, even if the thing itself isnt always that good for you.
to set up such strict rules, at least for me, only works for a short time.
i begin to feel like im in complete control of myself and my life, and thats about the time that everything starts to fall apart again.

i was watching lost last night, and first of all its really addicting...
but i realized i dont agree with the theology it portrays, and i had a pretty spiritually revolutionary moment.

the show was basically saying that we have a path, like a destiny for our lives, and that it doesnt really matter what we think we want to do, because we are actually meant for something specific.

so in one small way i agree... the fact that God created us and has us on this earth is pretty spectacular, and i believe He uses all of us for His plan of reconciling the world back to Himself.
BUT on the other hand, i believe that the weight of free will is so present in this world that we have a choice to make about who we will love, where we will live, which battles we choose to fight.

and that makes me crazy and sick and excited and full of energy and passion and fear.

but i guess the great thing is that we arent living this life for ourselves, or on our own, but instead Christ lives in us, so that in fact, if we allow it, HE will guide us and lead us every step of the way.
and thats where the comforting part comes in.


this post is a mess.
but these are my thoughts as of late.
im trying to figure out some things.
some choices, some decisions, some things about the person that God made me to be.
and im struggling to fight for community.