music makes me feel alive.

it's like, when your insides just feel like they are going to burst with joy, freedom, or sweet relief.

when the sun is pushing through the clouds in the dead of winter.

when you make a deep, life connection with someone.

it's when i have these moments,
these snatches of life,
when no words or actions can explain or do justice to the feelings i have inside,
that i long to share life with people.
with someone.

and im thankful to God, that He can see and understand and feel and relate to all the joy and the pain and the contentment and the longing.
and not just for me.
but for us.
for all of us.


i just recently heard the song, God of this city.
and there are these two lines in the song that i just cant get enough of.

:For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City :

this makes my heart soar.
the HOPE of the gospel message.
in Ostrava. in Barcelona. in Houston. in Kansas City.
in every single city, in every single country, in this world.
no matter how big or small.

and that is the TRUTH.
and i want to be a part of that.

grace all over again.

im recently relearning grace.

its talked about often, practiced less.

i spent some significant time with the subject in high school, and i remember it well.
and i guess its time for me to go back there again.

i mean, i through the word around all the time like nothing
but thats different then living and experiencing it.

i listen to this sermon the other day on the train
about how God meets us in the midst of our turmoil and struggle for Him.
about how He sits with us as we fight with ourselves over what to do with our time and money and relationships.
about how He loves us for exactly who we are as we are, nothing more, nothing less.
how He blesses our absence of perfection and understanding
how He loves the desire, not just the action or achievement

and it was the most wonderful and freeing news i have heard in a long long time.

how many hours and days do i waste contemplating whether what im doing is right or good?
how much time to i spend mulling over decisions, beating myself up, or just simply not moving forward...

when in reality i should be living in the knowledge of grace and truth.

its good to be learning again.
its refreshing and joyful.
and i like it.

my brain has been on overdrive lately.

there's a lot going on in there i guess.

i miss people.
and things.

i know that's vague, but hey, it's a blog.

the truth is that, well, i forgot how to be intimate with people.

i've been looking at my life in a different way lately.

and as i'm preparing for our weekend away next weekend, i've been consumed with this idea of identity.
because that's our theme.

and i think it's really getting to me.

i feel really satisfied, and content, and blessed.

it was a long day.

but it's had a really great ending.

i just read a bunch of letters from people from my church.
people i know, and dont know.

and every one of them encouraging.
dripping with love and grace and blessing.

and there has been a lot of good music today.

praise GOD for life and love and joy.

humanity.

One night last week I met a homeless guy waiting at a tram stop.
He started to talk with me, and although it was night and I was alone, I didn’t have any kind of fear or hesitation to begin speaking with him, despite of course the language barrier.
So we ended up getting on the same tram and sitting next to each other and speaking for awhile. But it was interesting, because as soon as there were other people around who became aware of my situation I started to feel uncomfortable.
It was obvious this man was homeless, a bit drunk, and hadn’t showered for days, but I wasn’t so concerned about these things until I was put on display in front of others.
I knew they were watching us, and I knew they were thinking how strange it was for me, this ‘normal, nice looking, young girl’ to be talking to this drunk, smelly, homeless man.

But afterward I was embarrassed at myself for being embarrassed about talking with him.
I was ashamed that I allowed these people to change the way I felt about the situation. Although I was glad that I was able to speak with him for the 20 minutes we were traveling in the same direction.

And then today, I don’t know maybe a week later, I walked into this shopping center, and there he was, with his wife, and one of my friends.
It was crazy, because I was of course glad to see my friend, and surprised to see him again. I began to pick up on what was happening, and actually this man, Vasek, had met my friend earlier.
My friend was leading a bible study at our church, and Vasek and his wife knocked on the door seeking help. My friend then took them to the shop to buy some groceries and to pick up some first aid supplies because the homeless couple had been beaten up pretty badly.

Anyway, it was a really crazy situation and experience. The truth is, I didn’t even really need anything at the store, I just had the feeling like I should stop by on the way home, so I did.

And it was crazy also because of course Vasek and his wife were so overly thankful and overjoyed and humbled, and my friend was explaining to them that of course he wanted to help… and then he was telling them that they are people, just like him and me.

And this was something they couldn’t believe, or comprehend.
They aren’t treated like people by anyone else in society.
People walk right around them, don’t acknowledge them, and definitely don’t help them.

I was just standing there thinking, if only we, as humanity, could see each other as who we really are.

Like if we could see everyone around us as people, created by and for God, what a different life and perspective we would have.

gotta say mmm.

alright.
so ive been working on this paper for theology, and my topic is government.

its huge and overwhelming, and more work and information then what i was expecting, but i like it.
i like reading and writing and trying to form and put thoughts together to make sense.
i like challenging my brain.
but it hurts too,
its sometimes really hard for me to push through.

its like with running.
i went running yesterday with my roommate.
and the thing is, i LOVE running.
but, im not very good at pushing myself past my comfort zone.
like i know my legs can move faster, but i dont really want to make them.

and thats kind of how i feel with life right now.
stuck in this place of comfort.
wanting to be stretched.
wanting to feel the joy and the exhaustion of a life well lived.
but its hard.

and im missing intimacy with God.

but i have to say i LOVE this place called the czech republic.
absolutely and completely.
for all its faults and failures, for all its funny culture idiosyncrasies...
i LOVE it.

maybe my head will explode.

im starting to enjoy long runs again.

and i have this craving to write.
in my head there is an ongoing narrative that seems to be part of my subconscious.
i dont really have control over it, it just comes up in the moments i choose to absorb my surroundings and just be.
i like the feeling and i want to get it out

ive realized that trying to completely cut yourself off from something you love is a bad idea, even if the thing itself isnt always that good for you.
to set up such strict rules, at least for me, only works for a short time.
i begin to feel like im in complete control of myself and my life, and thats about the time that everything starts to fall apart again.

i was watching lost last night, and first of all its really addicting...
but i realized i dont agree with the theology it portrays, and i had a pretty spiritually revolutionary moment.

the show was basically saying that we have a path, like a destiny for our lives, and that it doesnt really matter what we think we want to do, because we are actually meant for something specific.

so in one small way i agree... the fact that God created us and has us on this earth is pretty spectacular, and i believe He uses all of us for His plan of reconciling the world back to Himself.
BUT on the other hand, i believe that the weight of free will is so present in this world that we have a choice to make about who we will love, where we will live, which battles we choose to fight.

and that makes me crazy and sick and excited and full of energy and passion and fear.

but i guess the great thing is that we arent living this life for ourselves, or on our own, but instead Christ lives in us, so that in fact, if we allow it, HE will guide us and lead us every step of the way.
and thats where the comforting part comes in.


this post is a mess.
but these are my thoughts as of late.
im trying to figure out some things.
some choices, some decisions, some things about the person that God made me to be.
and im struggling to fight for community.