It seems my whole life ive had this idea that romance should be tragic.
I don’t know if that’s because ive never actually experienced REAL romance before, or because I feel like if something is good then it needs to be hard.

My favorite movie of all time is titanic.
People make a joke out of this, which I completely understand, but a friend once told me that you can learn a lot about a person and their philosophy on life just by knowing what their favorite movie is.

When I told this friend that mine is titanic, she immediately proceeded to tell me that im a romantic, but that I love the melancholy of life.
This is true.

Ive always just accepted this fact about myself, but lately ive been trying to discover what it IS that makes me like sad songs, hard movies, tragedy, struggle...

why do I find beauty in this?

Why do I LOVE to come home, put on slow sad music, and to sit in the presence of the melancholy and embrace it?

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I think its because I feel like its honest.
Maybe it’s a twisted view on this world, but it seems like the only time I feel like people are being honest is when they are talking about pain.

This hits somewhere deep at my problem of trust.

Its something I have come to struggle with in the past couple of years...
Trusting people.

I doubt when people tell me nice things, give me compliments, speak well of me...
I even doubt when people speak nicely about other people or about their own lives.

Im always trying to see what is going on at a deeper level... What the real problem is. WHERE the problem is.

I don’t know when I became such a skeptic.

---

ive been challenged to choose instead to trust.
to enjoy.
to live life.
and to hope for something better.

im working on that.

Jesus doesn't say be a Peace Lover.
He says be a Peace Maker.

birthday blues turned bright.

the past few days i was in a really bad mood about my birthday.
im not really sure why, exactly, but i just wasn't looking forward to it.

it turned out to be a SPECTACULAR day.
lots of friends, lots of LOVE, and i feel like its still going on.

im excited for my 26th year of life.

for learning how to love people better.
for beauty and creation
for adventure and challenges

ive already made a few changes...
more to come on this. :D

all that to stay, its funny, because
(and most people probably dont know or wouldnt guess this about me)
it is sometimes a struggle for me to be around people a lot,
to organize things,
to be in bigger groups...
but the truth is that every time i make myself do it, i enjoy it.

i think relationships scare me.
but they are ALWAYS worth it.

cooking for one.

the thing about cooking for one is that you can't really make dessert.

ain't it like most people,
i'm no different.
we love to talk on things we don't know about...

thank you Avett Brothers for these words of truth.

something that i don't really know much about is how to FULLY live.

i was reading a blog the other day, from this girl i know, who just LIVES.
she loves people, and she experiences things...
she sees others for who they are, and she is honest.

and i found myself envious of this life that seemed to be so FULL.

i thought, what makes a persons life like this?
circumstance?
people?
God?
hardship?
luck?

i was reminded of the time that i spent in Jamaica in college.
when i think about it,
the days in Jamaica were the days that i was probably most ALIVE.
where i cherished every moment, every child's small hand, every smile and conversation.
where i would stop by people's houses to say hello, and sit on front porches.
where i would take naps in the beds of friends
in the sunlight with tiny babies

it was life FULL and at it's best.
it was light and simple.
not easy, but...
simple.

i feel somehow that life has become heavy.
i am burdened by things.
by the world, by people, by bad weather and slow buses and angry neighbors.
i dont ENJOY the slow pace, the conversations, the lazy afternoons with families that i love.

i dont think that it is necessarily dependent upon the place,
but i know that somehow, where i am now,
its harder and harder to find this simplistic life that i once knew.
and my heart longs for it.

i cant sleep at night these days.
ive never before had a problem with sleeping,
so i don't really know what to do about it,
but i dont like it.
my mind runs and runs and never stops...

i pray for peace.
i pray for simplicity.

a new beginning.

i dont mark beginnings by the new year, but by important events.
i know that moving flats might not seem like a big deal to most people, but for me, right now, it feels like one.
like its marking something new.
something different.

i feel like i finally have something that's kind of my own.
i can make what i want of it.
i can create something beautiful.
and that makes me excited.

ive realized that although i might be able to adapt to change, i don't do a very good job at embracing and fully enjoying new things.
i don't do a good job at really submersing myself into things, and allowing them to sink in and fully effect me.

i've almost cut myself off from those types of experiences in some ways...
and im not sure exactly why or how that happened.

i made a picture wall last night with wendy.
i LOVE looking at it.
it reminds me of my travels.
of the cultures and the places and the people i have been blessed to have encountered.
it contains all the things i love

trees.birds.buildings.sunshine.dulled color.melancholy.romance.

i relish good conversations with great friends.
i need more in my life.

so for now, my hope is that i will EMBRACE life.
that i will accept the things that come wholeheartedly.
that i will LOVE deeply and richly.
that i will BE with people.
that i will KNOW Christ.

warmth.

when i travel i drink sprite.
i don't know why, but airplane sprite is better.
more refreshing.
and when im sitting there, and the drink cart rolls by, the only thing i ever really want is Sprite.

it feels GREAT to be home.
it's amazing really, how it actually FEELS different.

the days fly so quickly here.
i dont know if its because everything is,
almost,
new feeling...
or if its because im constantly doing something,
or going somewhere.

im not sure what it is.

but the days seem shorter,
and i find my self having less and less time to get the things i need or want to get done actually done.

and its never quite the same as i imagine it will be in my head.
but nevertheless its still pretty glorious.